The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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