They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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