i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
