it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
should my penis look like a turkey
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
