i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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