I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
