My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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