Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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