Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize