Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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