We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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