Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize