did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
