He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
