My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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