So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
