I'm gonna have a badass scar
just come out here and I will go home with you...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
