I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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