Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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