Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
