My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
