I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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