My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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