so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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