Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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