If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
