His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
