I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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