the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He passed out mid-signature
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
