1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
