i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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