i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
