good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
