My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
