You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
