my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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