Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
