I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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