Banned from zoo.
Again?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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