so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
