my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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