It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
