oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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