i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
