His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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