Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
