I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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