u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My ass is underappreciated
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
