Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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