So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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