rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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