I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
