the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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