im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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