I feel great
I just peed on a car
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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