i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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