my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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