i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Randomize
