is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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