Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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