I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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