The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize