Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You ruined the universe
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
