every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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