I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
