when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize