If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
