Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
