i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
smell my finger.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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