Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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